After last night's full body cavity search by local law enforcement I was angry and bitter and even though found innocent and given an apology, felt like I should commit a crime of some sort, if I'm going to be hassled by the Man, anyway.
Sitting on the floor drinking a warm margarita from a paper cup and Cherry Flavored NyQuil straight from the bottle, I lit up a fresh J and as I exhaled I imagined the smoke was all the stress and negativity that's been building up in me, slowly escaping my body. I was getting dizzy. My head was swimming. My eyes were watery. But my sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest medicine was working.
Yet, I wanted to cry. I felt violated.
Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling I could hear the music playing in the other room. On my iTunes, the track was Kate Bush and she was singing, The Morning Fog...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReIASIp3gAU
...and I flashed on a moment when I was younger and unable to process or understand my emotions, much like now. I could vividly see myself in the tub, feel the warm water, touch the razor, slice my wrist, how fast the blood comes out, lost, it's like I was losing a friend, a Fairy Godmother, a Ghost, an Angel, a Higher Power had turned away. Did I do this? How could I do this? Why? Suddenly people were screaming at me. The tub had so much blood. Stitches. Embarrassed, I made up stories about what had happened.
The light
Begin to bleed,
Begin to breathe,
Begin to speak.
D'you know what?
I love you better now.
I am falling
Like a stone,
Like a storm,
Being born again
Into the sweet morning fog.
D'you know what?
I love you better now.
I'm falling,
And I'd love to hold you now.
I'll kiss the ground.
I'll tell my mother,
I'll tell my father,
I'll tell my loved one,
I'll tell my brothers
How much I love them.
...and when she sang, "I'll tell my brothers, How much I love them" a wave of sadness poured over me about all that I could have missed and I cried uncontrollably.
The next track was REM.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTakamc37D4
At night I drink myself to sleep and pretend
I don't care if you're not here with me
'Cause it's so much easier to handle
All my problems if I'm too far out to sea
But something better happen soon
Or it's gonna be too late to bring you back
Don't go back to Rockville
Don't go back to Rockville
Don't go back to Rockville
And waste another year
It's not as though I really need you
If you were here I'd only bleed you
But everybody else in town only wants to bring you down and
That's not how it ought to be
I know it might sound strange, but I believe
You'll be coming back before too long
Don't go back to Rockville
Don't go back to Rockville
Don't go back to Rockville
And waste another year
Am I in Rockville? Or was I in Rockville? It feels like it might be here.
When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.
My face was on the carpet for awhile. My skin felt like Silly Puddy.
In the bathroom mirror I looked like a guy in some old movie who has had half of his face disfigured by acid, or fire, or war. In the movie, at this point my character would smash the mirror, my reflection spider-webbed into fragments symbolizing my fractured psyche. In the nude picking the shards of mirror from my bleeding hand, the MPs arrive with my new mission. Everyone gets everything he wants.
Terminate with extreme prejudice. You understand Captain, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist.
Yes, this was playing on iTunes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI24HgwK4m0
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