I narrowly escaped a fire at Walmart this morning! I might need you to rub me down with some soothing salve! Maybe you could draw me a bath and sponge me first? I would be so grateful to you if you did. The smoke was thick. My lungs filled with noxious fumes. I bet I need a chest massage as well. Just for medicinal purposes! Jeez! You act like I'm gonna get off on having soft warm hands sliding over my hot oiled chest, ripped abs, hardened biceps, thick muscular thighs... I mean... Did you say something?

Look, I'm lucky to be alive today! You should be gentle with me!

I didn't even get to buy the supplies I went in for! If you're heading out to the store, I need some Cherry flavored NyQuil, some Robitussin, and some Vick's Vapor Rub... Oh and can you be a sweetie and rub some Vick's on my chest and balls, I just know it'll make me feel better! 

Okay, maybe Vick's on my balls is a strange one, but I thought after you lubed my nuts up, you could blow on them and we could see what that's like, but I understand. 

Gee, maybe you're right. I dunno what I was thinking. I was just bored, I suppose. What do you think you'd rather rub on them, then?

I'd love to give you a big kiss, but I lost my Cherry Chapstick in the heat of the fire!