Not feeling it today!

Actually, didn't feel it yesterday, either. Just feel out of sorts. Don't know what I'm gonna do about it. My insides are all twisted in knots. My sleep is messed up. Can't seem to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I must be worried about something.

Yesterday Jessica's mom was talking to me about stuff. Sad stuff. I was listening and suddenly I felt myself starting to shake and my eyes started watering and she said, "Oh my, I'm sorry I'm making you sad!" And with that I broke down and started crying!

Nice! Just what your future Mother-in-Law needs to see from the next man to marry her daughter. What a big fat pussy! What a mental case! What a fag! What a great start! I might as well just pissed my pants, too. 

It's over, Johnny. It's OVER!

I'm so afraid I'm getting into something where I might be putting myself into danger. Jessica's exes are still very much in her life because they each have kids with her and one ex in particular is about to have the news of my existence sprung on him when we move in together. Everyone tiptoes around him. The kids seem to be afraid of him in some way. They all keep secrets from him in fear of upsetting him. No one wants a confrontation. Recently I met one of his former employers by chance and he told me to watch out for the guy. My doctor who is also her family doctor, warned me of the potential danger in this situation. Even her mother gave me some stories that blew my mind!

I know this is private info and I shouldn't be talking to you about it here, but I thought I should have a record of it in case he kills me along with other members of his family. The news recently has been filled with stories of fathers killing their wives and children! Jessica seems to have a huge history of being close to people that have either been murdered or committed murder. I don't want to be another death story in her history.

She tells me there's nothing to worry about, but she has an amazing ability to change the subject when it is upsetting. She's blissfully is denial of the truth much of the time, while I wallow in the despair of the false and unknown all of the time. She is such a sweet angel, I wonder how she ever got so hooked up with the type of men that have populated her life? What does this say about me? Am I possibly the next bad ex-husband? 

I love her kids! They are amazing and cool! However, they will never be as close to me as they are with their fathers. They'll never say, "I love you!" They are so close with Jessica it makes me miss my mother so much. I wish I could just for a moment tell my mother what an amazing woman Jessica has become and introduce my mother to her girls. That closeness has made me more than ever before want to have children of my own. I want a child of mine to say, "Daddy, I love you!"

Never before have I wanted to inflict upon a child the inheritance of my DNA, but seeing how beautiful my nieces are, maybe it's just the magic puzzle pieces they'd need. I really do think I'd be a good daddy. I'm not bragging. I used to think I'd be horrible because I'd worry about them all the time, but now I know how much attention I'd give them and how much I'd listen to them.

Her kids aren't ones to hug or express much physical affection to me and I'm very physical, always have been. I love to give hugs. These girls don't want that and I'll have to learn to get over it. It's so odd though, that I can go into my favorite restaurant and get long and truly loving hugs from the girls that I know there, or at the place I pick up my mail, or the bookstore I shop… It's always been like that with me. So it can't just be me. I must be doing something right. I must be lovable and huggable. It just isn't going to be happening with these girls. I will have to accept that I will have to be getting the affection I need elsewhere. 

I've been involved, in the course of my adult life with 3 abortions of pregnancies that I was responsible for. That I know of. There were possibly more. I suspect some were hidden from me. In the last few years I have found myself hoping a young beautiful girl would walk up to me from a mass of faceless people in a mall, or restaurant, or a party and say to me, "Hello, I'm your daughter!"

That probably isn't going to happen, but I do think about it.