...us have, really?

I'm getting so much older than I want to admit. It's getting harder and harder to hide the fact. Can't afford cosmetic surgery and Photoshop only works on pictures. I want to hold on to time. Sometimes I wish my life were more exciting with trips and travel to collect some good memories, but mostly I want to sleep through these boring and dull times. Time travels fastest when in suspended animation. I can really sleep sometimes.

When I was putting together the podcast yesterday, I was listening to some old tapes of me on the radio years ago, it was really a wonderful experience! I mostly hate anything I attempt to do, I'm so critical, and I know the pain of not reaching a goal, so why put myself through it?

Listening to the shows however, I heard a much younger version of myself from something like 20 to 25 years ago. I can say that I was great now, because it really isn't me, it was a different person than I now am, because all the atoms in my body have completely changed in those years since then. I was funny, smart, quick witted, talented... Where did it all go? Did it fade away? Is it all still here and I can't see it?

Listening to myself from back then, it seemed the whole world was right there ahead of me. Anything was possible! Money was being thrown at me! I would never have to worry about ever getting in situations like I have found myself in these past years. How did I let myself down? How did I fail to live up to the dreams that young boy had? All that promise wasted!

Listening to the audio I was sifting through, I felt fantastic! I can't explain it. It was time travel!

Looking back at photos of myself at that time I was thin and handsome, but at that time I felt fat, ugly and unlovable and believed people when they said so, I hated myself then! I wish I looked that way now!

Maybe it's the same way with the audio? I was hearing music I had played that I had forgotten about. All those old catchphrases and jokes that blew away.

I wish I could talk to that young boy that was me and tell him to turn left here and not right on that corner, don't believe what this person says, and instead believe this other one. I would tell him to watch out for those promises that certain people made, but mainly to be kinder to himself. Don't worry so much. I would tell him I loved him and that everything would be okay and that I would always be with him and listen to his dreams and desires and I would try my best to make them happen for him. I would tell him to be happy because there are good people out there that love him.