Things just aren't going good for me anymore. Don't feel well. Sick to my stomach and dizzy. I got the shakes. I thought it might be mixing drugs that don't go together. Or taking drugs on an empty stomach. Maybe the flu. 

Could be something bad from my past is haunting me. My nerves are so rattled. I talked to a friend and he asked if this really was a good time to be thinking of getting married. I think I'm better when I'm alone or with people I've just met. When new people have yet to tell me their sad histories and I have no love invested in them, it's like walking into a hotel room with clean, fresh sheets on the bed. Being alone, the sheets aren't that fresh and it's more like a motel, probably the Bates Motel.

Things must get better by ignoring and changing the subject. I must learn this skill quickly! So many people I know can just block out bad things. They can go to church and ask for forgiveness and continue on their merry way. They can say, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry I did that to you, I won't do that again." Then when they do it again, they say, "Oh baby. Poor thing. I'm so sorry. I won't ever do that again. We all make mistakes. Forgive me."

I have to just realize I can't do anything about what someone will do in the future. People do things. They want to make themselves feel good in that moment and they don't think about what may happen because of it.

How important is trust, anyway?

Trust in myself is all that I can really own. I can't fully trust someone else without putting myself in harm's way. To trust is like having Faith. Faith is very, very hard for me, maybe even impossible. If actions speak louder than words… Then it's about track record and keeping score… Well, it's just very hard for me to trust anyone.

Life is too complicated for me! I wish I could just go away and sleep. Sleep for a long time in a hotel room with clean, fresh sheets.