After listening to my Wedding Music Mixtape, songs that were like soundtracks to
our lives, songs with special meanings, songs that speak to us as examples of
who we are, songs that are like slices of our psyche and define us... I found it
slow, dull, monotonous, droning, depressing... Except for the happy, fun,
upbeat, positive and danceable songs Jessica picked. What does this say about
me?

I got fed up with it! I had over 3 hours of music and I just hit delete! I give
up! Everyone should just bring their iPods or their mp3 players and play
whatever crap they wanna hear. I mean, it's everyone's wedding isn't it?

The thrill is gone for me. I hardly see Jessica. I saw her more when I lived in
Missouri. Seriously, I saw her every night on Skype. We had fun. I had fun with
her kids who really enjoyed talking with me back then, but that's all changed. I
should have stayed on Skype. Life was better then. Now it's long stretches of
boredom broken up with deep depressive thoughts of running away and even
suicide. My quality of life is horrible. I can't really see it getting better.

I keep looking at bus tickets and prices to other countries and bigger cities. I
want to get lost somewhere and try to find myself again. Why have I put myself
in a situation where I'm going to be such a small insignificant part of someone
else's busy and populated life? I wanted someone I could focus all my attention
on and spend time with, but I'd like that in return as well. That's not too much
to ask, is it? Am I too greedy? I suppose I'm used to being with young, single,
childless women who have never been married who love spending time with me, this
is a new experience and it is one that I'm sure will be difficult for me.

I know her children, pets, work, relatives and Facebook Friends come first. I
know that. I must get used to it. It's just difficult for me when a person asks
a question and as I'm answering it, they look off to the side to answer a
question their child has interrupted me to ask. I've begun talking and
interacting in conversations less and less. I get off the phone first. I used to
try and fill those uncomfortable silences in conversations, but not anymore, I
can let the silence go on and on, for hours sometimes. I used to want hugs
goodbye when I was leaving, now I just go without saying, "Bye!"

I can find others that want to talk, want my hugs, want to listen… I just hope I
don't end up somewhere rural where there's no one around to get those needs met,
or I really will be spending all my time meeting people online, or watching
sports, or playing videogames.

I know her ex-husbands will always be in the picture. When I was at a garage
getting my car worked on, I mentioned her name to the owner and she was on the
phone telling me to use her married names, so I had to repeat her name with all
the other last names she's had and the guy looked at me strange like I was
listing off her aliases. Then he recognized she was married to a guy he knew and
he went off describing him and the type of vehicle her drove and the kind of
service his car needed. That was nice.

Yesterday, we were talking about her taking my last name and I said, "I don't
think you should do it. It will just be a lot of trouble changing everything
over… Banks, DMV, Insurance, Restraining Orders..."

She acted surprised. I mean where's it end? Then when the next guy comes along
she'll have to change it again. I'm sure Elizabeth Taylor thought each marriage
was the one she always wanted, but after a while it gets kinda silly to keep
changing the name. Who came up with that anyway? I told her just keep The Palmer
name. Her youngest kid uses it, so it's a good sounding name. There doesn't have
to be another Lentz in the world.

It's like my car. My car is old, beat up, falling apart, but if I replaced
everything on it that needed to be fixed… It'd be cheaper to get a new car. At
some point you got to realize, I can keep changing the name of the car to Rolls
Royce, or Oldsmobile, but it will still be a used Honda Civic. It's like having
the same term of endearment for everyone you have dated and or married. If you
just call everyone, "Baby" or "Pussycat" it saves time having to learn something
new.

I thought I might've had to go camping last night. I was about to lose the room
I've been crashing in, but it all turned out okay, besides I need to get some
OFF because I've been getting eaten up by mosquitoes lately. I hate them!
They're worse than glittery vampires and hairy terrorists!

I was listening to a lengthy BBC interview of a Pakistani talking about Osama
Bin Laden's plans to attack small U.S. cities, but every time he said, "Cities"
it sounded like, "Shitties" and it somehow did two things magically; It made me
giggle at something possibly horrible and it made me make a list of shitty
cities I've lived in that I wouldn't mind seeing attacked, as long as only the
shitty residents were hurt.

I found some Udder Creme that dairy farms use on cow udders to keep their
nipples soft and supple, a whole tube for $1. I wanted it because in this heat
my elbows have become chaffed, but as I was rubbing it on last night as I was
listening to my wedding music mixtape and by the time I got to Lady Gaga's "Just
Dance" I realized I had used the entire tube all over my hardened nude body. Now
I feel like a big thick tit with a slick sticky dick!