Thought a lot about my mother last night, things I wish I could tell her. I miss
her so much! Her birthday is coming up on the 14th. I always get sad on that
date. I'm still angry she died. I think I have a lot of anger about her cancer
and for leaving me. I find I can ignore someone when I'm being neglected and
quickly become adjusted to their absence because I was so close to her and then
she's gone and somehow nothing compares to that loss, so anything else would be
easy. It was really tough for me.

When my dad was dying, I really was reliving her death and thinking about her. I
can so very easy walk away from everything without a second thought. I've lost
things to theft, fire, fights, breakups, moving, death… I can live without very
easily.

That must make it hard for the person that wants to spend time with me, I'm
sure. Where's the glue, the neediness, the clinginess, the co-dependency, the
addiction…? What will keep him? Sex? Attention? Security? Love?

I thought those times when I tried to kill myself, that it would be so easy,
because I was neglecting something in me. I was ignoring myself. When I was
cutting my wrist I thought about myself as a little boy and how happy I was, how
mom would wash me in the sink, how she would dry me with a big soft towel and
kiss the bottom of my feet and tickle me and how could I as an adult hurt that
little child?

I was so angry at her for leaving, ignoring me by her death, angry at God, a God
that I denied, angry at myself, hating myself, neglecting myself, not taking
care of myself, sabotaging my dreams and hurting myself… If I couldn't trust
myself, who could I trust? Who could protect me if I couldn't keep myself safe
from loss and harm?

No one.

Thank God Monday's finally here! Sunday night was awful for me! The bed was hot.
I was sweating. Tossing and turning and finding no position comfortable. I
couldn't sleep. Bad thoughts. Worries. Nerves raw. Muscle spasms. Buzzing in my
ears. My fun was getting out of hand last night. Maybe I can use your hands for
a while. I smacked a mosquito and it was so full of blood my palm looked like it
was in a paintball shootout! My body has been eaten up by these tiny vampires
with wings! Why me?

Is it because I'm so sweet?