The Wedding is getting closer. People who said they were coming are backing out.
Still, the ones who are coming are gonna make it a fun time. I told Jessica, I
would even try my best to be there. I texted that to her. We don't really talk
on the phone that much because she's either working or hanging out with the
girls until it's bedtime and too late to talk.

Last night I was hanging out with a friend who is having a really rough time.
Her husband of 18 years has recently become addicted to prescription medication,
but when he lost his job the insurance got cut off and he had to resort to meth
to satisfy his needs. Suddenly the love of her life began abusing her.

Thinking of me as a close and caring friend, this onetime beauty queen came to
me looking for some comfort and understanding. I was just being a shoulder for
her to cry on and a clown to give her sad life a much needed break.

She was telling me how he had been stealing money from her purse and even sold
her jewelry to buy his drugs, but the big blow came when she got home from work
to find him and some of his druggy friends watching porn and he told her to have
sex with them because they were going to pay him for it. She tried to refuse but
being shocked and worn out, she unfortunately gave in to the struggle.

She began crying when she went into intimate detail of the horrible things she
had to do for those men who were groping her, tearing at her clothes, holding
her down, spreading her across her bed…

I reached for a Kleenex and just as she started to grab it, I quickly blew my
nose in it as a joke. She started laughing and giggling, but I hadn't realized
just how much mucus was lodged up in my sinuses. I recalled the ice creamed
covered brownie and other music builders I had recently eaten. So I had to keep
blowing as I was really unloading into this tissue. I had to grab a few more
because It was like oysters were shooting out of my nostrils. It was horribly
gross, but she was laughing so hard that she began to belch. I thought she might
start to vomit. She slid off the bed onto her knees and laid her face in my lap,
both her hands were shaking as they gripped my knees. She couldn't catch her
breath as she continued laughing and burping. She finally look up at me with
eyes watering. Still giggling, she was below me and her pretty smile was so
huge. She really needed this laughter!

Later, she was washing her face and walked in drying herself with a washcloth,
"Jerry, you make me feel so good! You have no idea how wonderful you are!"

"No, I think I have an idea."

She started laughing again.

She sat down at my feet, "Jessica is so lucky to have such a fantastic man in
her life!"

"I know."

"I bet a lot of women try to throw themselves at you. I bet you have women
throwing themselves at you everyday. I see the women hugging you, kissing you,
it's like they can't get enough of you. But you only want one woman! I wish I
had a man that felt that way about me."

"Well…"

She stood up in front of me, "I just know when you are finally married to
Jessica, you'll never make love to another woman ever again."

I thought about that for a minute. She slowly began undressing and staring in my
eyes.

"Jerry, your wedding is 16 days away. It's not cheating now. Don't let me miss
this chance to be with the most awesome man I know!"

I waited until she was completely undressed and writhing on the floor below me,
showing me the goods, spreading open and displaying the merchandise, before I
said, "I gotta go, I just remembered I have to download the last 'Doctor Who'
episode. I missed it when it aired."

"What? You're kidding, right?"

I was lying. I didn't really care about this last episode because it was about
pirates and I hate pirates. I stepped over her and grabbed my videocamera and
walked out onto her porch.

"Wait! Please! I'll do anything you want, just tell me," she begged.

"Have you ever done it with another girl?"

"No. Why?"

"Let me think about it. I gotta go."

The next day after my Krav Maga class, I was in the shower and I overheard a few
of the guys talking about how they think Osama Bi Laden had it too easy getting
shot in the head. One said, "He didn't suffer like the victims of 9-11!"

So one by one they all start listing off ways they would have had him killed.
Some girls came in the showers as I was rubbing coconut lotion on my thighs and
they joined in the discussion. It sounded like, "Final Destination" movie death
ideas. How would you have killed him?

Seriously, if I have to hear, "Jerry, I went to see, 'Thor' and he reminded me
of you so much," one more time... It's getting kinda old. Look, I am what I am,
just being myself, not like anyone else... Just take me as I am. It's not a
beauty contest. It's not a competion.

It's so hot! I can't believe how fast the bag of crushed ice I had in my
underwear melted. Seemed the only way for me to be comfortable enough to sleep.

I think I need to reward my recent hard work and obliterate this boredom with a
trip to a cooler climate! What's the temperature in NYC now? I need to cool down
in a cool city before I get married and locked down.