This is Ren! Really, that's her name! I wondered if she was named after "Ren & Stimpy" but no, her great grand-pappy was named, Render. I wonder if his daddy named him after rendering some computer graphics? Ren, isn't that wild?

Anyway, I was just minding my own sweet business in my office at Arby's, illegally downloading music through their free WiFi for the wedding this Friday, and up walks 5 year old Ren who puts her lil' hand on my knee and says, "Hi, what are you doing?"

"Listening to music."

"I like to ride horses and I'm going to eat chicken!"

"Really?"

"Mmm hmm!"

"That's better than eating horses and riding chickens."

She laughs so hard and says, "What's your name?"

"Jerry."

"I like you!"

She blinks her eyes and leans on my thigh with both small hands. Her very young grandmother walks over and says, "I see you made a friend."

She made my day by sitting next to me while she ate and even offered me some of her food, so she already knows they way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Someone once told me, when she saw how many lil' babies and lil' kids find their way to me, "Those are angels speaking through the little ones trying to get you to make a baby!"

She knew how to kill a good mood. That was then and this is now and now I would like to have a child of my own that will look up at me and say, "I love you so much daddy!" But somehow my luck being what it is, all these beautiful babies that play with me and all my gorgeous nieces are just baby-teasers and my baby would be born a hideous monster that would pry apart the bars on its crib and slither across the floor one night and strangle me with one of its numerous tentacles. I just know it! The spirit of Hitler, or Lizzie Borden is hovering over me waiting for my sperm to collide with the right egg so they can dive in for some fun. Yet, what teen girl is going to want to have my baby after I'm married this Friday?

http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/war-on-women-north-carolina-ma...

Can't tell you how many girls dumped me to go out with the local guitarist of a rock band! When will girls learn the bad boy is a BAD boy?

http://www.tmz.com/2011/05/23/kiss-guitarist-vinnie-vincent-arrested-mug-shot...

OMG!!! My Wedding is 3 DAYS away!!! You know what that means? You have less than 3 Days to have sex with me before it's (really) cheating! Well... Don't all rush in at once. Gosh... (cricket sounds, tumble weeds rolling by, clock ticking, medication wearing off) Maybe the Rapture did happen. Where is everyone?

I just don't know what I'm gonna do after Oprah is gone. There's gonna be a big huge black hole in my life that I don't know how I'm gonna fill. Any suggestions?

Speaking of big black holes, when my doctor finished with my colonoscopy, I asked him, "Okay, when you come into the room, in front of Jessica, can you say, 'I'm sorry, but Jerry only has a few days to live.'" He was shocked, "No! I can't do that! She'll cry!" I said, "I know. That's what I want! Just think of the loving, hugging and kissing I'll get!" He said, "Mister Lentz, you are a sick man!" "Yeah, but say I'm dying!"