What is it with girls that when they find out I'm about to be married (in 2
days!) come out of the woodworks to try and tempt me? Too little, too late!
Girls can make you wait and wait and wait, then when you are just about to give
up they go, "Where you going? I'm right here!"

They love keeping boys around them on leashes, lined up, the penis supply in
case they run out, old school friends they hook up with after their High School
reunions, Facebook "friends" on their other hidden profiles they have you
blocked from, the ones with their boudoir photos, the distant foreign friends in
case a trip becomes available, or an offer of one appears…

I think I need more female friends, and be closer to them. The photo above is my
friend, Jennie. She's been a great person to talk to. We can talk about
anything. She's very motherly and caring. She also loves The Beatles, so she
can't be too bad. She tells me about the men she is meeting now that's she's
starting to date again after many years of marriage, she tells me about her
kids, she tells me about her tattoos…

There's a nurturing that I suppose I need. I'm even trying to track down my exes
and re-establish communication, to see if I can learn and mend any wounds. If
only my mom was still alive! Not that I dated my mom, but hers was the first
vagina I had contact with… WHEN I WAS BORN! You sick fuck!

But it seems I'm always trying to get back into the vagina.

If only I could call my mom on my cellphone and see if she's all right. Tell her
how much I love her. Tell her I miss her so much. Tell her how I've never
forgotten her face.

I ran into a friend and she said, "Your phone is off the hook!"

I pulled it out of my pants pocket and said, "No. It's just a simple Motorola
KRZR, but thanks!"

I thought she meant my phone was all that. She just stared at me with that, "I'm
trying to figure you out," look.

Anyone know how to remove "Facemoods" off my Facebook profile? There is no mood
emoticon that can fully represent the emotions I'm feeling.

My friend, Angel said I have my head up my ass. I was wondering why my back was
hurting, but I think having my head lodged up there has been slightly less
painful than my recent colonoscopy. I am learning to be less "TMI" driven and
sharing less. I'm trying to look at what I'm feeling, examine it, reframe it if
it needs it and move on without troubling anyone by my open display of emotion.
I will be more Spock-like (the Vulcan, not the baby doctor) I will be reserved,
stoic, unaffected, private and self contained.

Maybe I'm not the romantic everyone tells me I am, cause I'm thinking how silly
a wedding is! You dress up in uncomfortable clothing you'll never wear again,
put on a show, say vows you won't keep, invite people that you don't really
like...

Next time I'm getting married at a courthouse.

Look, the wedding is in 2 days now and it's a scientific fact that my sex life
will be over in 3 days, so it's imperative that you send me the link to your
favorite pornsite or know an easy girl that has a webcam!

It was explained to me yesterday that I have been living here in The South now,
for almost a year! The person that told me knew to the day and hour how long
it's been! It seems like I've wasted another year of my life. I've accomplished
very little besides shedding my skin in several massive rashes and growing
numerous precancerous polyps in my colon and stressing out in the daylight and
having night terrors in… Well, the night. It is time I move on and get with it,
whatever it is.

I realized I don't have that much to pack up for my move away from this part of
The South. I'm thinking I still might make a donation at the Goodwill. I only
wear about 4 teeshirts and 2 jeans anyway. Not much of a panty wearer. Thinking
of stopping the wearing of socks, too. Jesus never wore socks.

But Jesus had awesome abs!

Has anyone tried that PX90 thing? I want to start it, but I don't want to buy
it, cause I'm sure someone has started it and gave up and is using it as a
coaster for their beer, so I think I'd like one as a wedding gift! If you have
one that you wanna get rid of, contact me and I can give you an address so you
can send it to me!

BTW, I love you in advance of this gift!

I gotta get in better shape! I'm getting old and I only have my health. I know
for a fact the stress I've been living with has wrecked my body and if Jessica
hadn't kept at me to get that colonoscopy, I would have eventually died. I want
everyone to know, Jessica Sturdivant Palmer has saved my life again. Don't let
stress and worry reside in your body, ever! It's hard though, isn't it?

This black girl said, "Are you excited about your wedding?"

I said, "I'm a little nervous."

She leaned into me, looked hard into my eyes and asked, "You need some weed?"

I made that face where I look off into space, hold my chin like I'm thinking it
over... Then all the black girls standing around me started busting out laughing
and I ended up without my weed! Everyone just loves laughing at me! Why is it so
tough for me to get some weed? I need my pre-wedding day weed!

"Jerry, you so funny! You the funniest white boy I know!"

"Yeah, but where does all this talent and skill get me? WEEDLESS!"