Yesterday's blog post with the unclothed photo on the stairs turned out to be the single largest download record winner in the entire history of this website according to the statistics, but it hasn't made me feel any better about my body image.

Even today when my friend Jerome took me out to lunch in appreciation for a flier I designed for an important show he's doing and I was showing the photos to a few females and watching their awesome reactions, you'd think I'd feel good about it. 

Even with the email and messages I've received from women from all over the world complementing me, all the Japanese men asking for more photos and Gay men inquiring if in addition to the Bachelorette Parties I will begin dancing at, will I perform for Gay Bachelor Parties... The money offers sound good! Looks like I could make some nice dough! My hearts just not into it for some reason.

The whole reason, I suppose for these suggestive photos and my body dysmorphia, I believe, is that I see these photos of Jessica with various men from her past and they are all amazing looking guys. She loves male model types. She loves men with high cheekbones, ripped abs and long flowing hair. She really loves running her fingers through a man's hair. The only hair I have to offer her the chance of combing her fingers through is my back hair.

I'm so glad we ended up back together. I understand the past is the past. I've been fantasizing about making her feel good. I have always wanted her to feel good. I want her to feel good the rest of her life. I want to be happy, too. Yet, I'm haunted by all these men from her past! It's so stupid! They don't think of me at all and all I do is think of them when I'm thinking of her. I have to let it go. I have to move on. I have to get over it. Whatever I do it's never enough! They keep showing up in my mind!

I want to accomplish a few key things in the next 5 years. #1 is marrying her! That's coming soon! May 27th! When you take a risk it can be really exhilarating. But it really isn't a risk as much as it is destiny, for me anyway. But the other goals, maybe considered risks.

Last night I had one of the best dream of my life and she was in it. I love it so much when she comes to me in my dreams. I want to make her feel good like she makes me feel good. I love the sounds she makes. Her hair is so hot! I love the way she tastes. What are you imagining right now?

Her skin is so soft and smooth. I want to kiss every inch of her. I've never felt this good before.

The way I look at it, when you feel truly relaxed, truly comfortable, it’s as if the deepest places inside you begin to come alive, in a way that makes you feel renewed, energized, stimulated, and you feel a freedom that makes it easy to allow yourself to truly open to and surrender to your own deepest passions. I feel her. I can tell she wants to open up to me. I see it in her eyes.

It feels great being with her in the car. It’s great when we're driving along, and as the trees whip by her and everything blurs, you feel this incredible sense of freedom stirring inside, the kind of freedom that allows you to feel a sense of balance, as if the different parts of yourself are finally acquiring a sense of centeredness, a groundedness that you hadn’t really felt before... you know, the kind that allows you to achieve a kind of serenity that makes you open to renewal, and makes you open to the realization that feeling this kind of freedom makes intensity, real intensity, something that can open the deepest parts of you, and remind you of the things, helps you connect to the things, that you know are really important and meaningful! I felt those things about her when I first met her, but didn't know how to deal with them emotionally, because I was so young. Now, I'm a man and I know what I want. I know how to ask for it. I want it! I will take it!

What’s really great is when you find yourself sharing a deep sense of trust with someone. Know what I mean? You know, the kind of trust that feels like there’s this soft golden bubble, this pool of energy, holding both of you inside, warm to the touch, softly soothing her and calming her, a feeling so warm and strong that it begins to flow inside her, deepening her sense of safety and total trust, expanding, spreading wide like wings, so much so that the feeling itself seems to say to her, "…You are safe, you are protected, you can open to this experience and feel and accept this experience completely." Now, with me, this feels great—this, with me, is the feeling. Maybe you feel good about feeling this feeling, too. This kind of trust, real trust, this kind of trust is a great feeling, now, isn’t it?

Well, I spent last night writing about the dream I had. Writing can actually be a very powerful experience, you’re creating this world of absolute possibility, within which anything can happen, but you’ve gotta build it. Some people may not see how this can be the case, but with me, the more I think about it and experience it, the more I connect it to a sense of passion. 

I learned to hate that word, "Passion" because someone ruined it for me, but I'm taking it back and making it okay for me. I remembered what she once said about people can't be controlling you unless you let them. I let so many people from the past, the memories of these people control me.  I want to take my life back! I want my power back! I can't really think of a better word for it, right now. So it's "Passion." And I passionately take you from my past and make you mine!

It’s as if in surrendering to the experiencing of giving yourself completely to this, feeling every part of yourself, every ounce of your ability to feel, totally devoted to this, this burning passion inside you now, the more you find yourself learning and growing. Every little flickering character, every word, every letter, every feeling on the screen challenges you to find the one that should come next, or the one it really ought to be. You’re being challenged over and over again, and you sometimes want to pound your fist through the screen, and the screen seems to grow larger and clearer in your mind, everything seems to be growing larger and clearer all the time, as you become more and more consumed by this, in ways that feel more and more intense and rewarding, as you begin to feel that this aura of pure possibility begins to radiate out from deep inside you, and your thoughts become as penetrating and piercing and focused as a laser, able to make anything melt, through the heat of the desire inside you, and this laser begins to make you feel more and more in touch with what you truly want, as everything that it’s melting seems to combine all your doubts and inhibitions, carving away your fears, refining and strengthening your excitement and intensity, so as you realize those old things are now melting inside you, your passion and desire and intensity just get stronger and stronger, as the laser gets brighter and hotter… And knowing you're hearing my voice in your head turns me on as I walk us down a hallway, a corridor, or come into an open room in the story.

I love putting together stories about us. It’s really involving, you know? When you really get going, you’re completely swept along. You know, you just, like, feel the current beneath you, moving you irresistibly. It’s just like surfing, I imagine. You know, that way when you’re surfing, the ocean just totally takes control, and you’re just being carried along for the ride, you just feel this tremendous power driving you. You know, surfing like that, it’s just like getting really turned-on, feeling that intense feeling building and warming and intensifying inside you, knowing you’re no longer the one in control, because your emotions and desires are running things now. Scary, too. I could just lose myself in my fantasies of you. Drown in them. Imagine your heart spreading open, unlocked in a way it has never been before, and feeling my heart’s energy come inside you, my heart’s energy coming inside you again, and again, and again, as powerful and rhythmic, as sure and relentless, as the ocean’s salty tide.

It’s as though what you most want to feel is locked away, locked in a box of oak and iron, and then suddenly you meet someone who holds a gleaming, golden, oiled key. And this key, inlaid with designs of the most unearthly beauty and intricate workmanship, slides deeper and deeper into the lock, slides so deeply that you wonder whether it will ever stop, until at last it strikes home, and you feel it turning against the lock’s inmost chamber, turning... turning... turning... until it clicks, and the lock seems to shudder, and at last the box spreads open, and you feel all that you’ve so long wanted and waited... and waited... and waited... to feel it begin to flood through you.

I'm imagining I'm feeling her wonderfully silky hair sliding across on my skin sort of makes me feel alive and renewed. It makes me feel like my life is now in the kind of space where it’s safe to be open, and this lets me know our being together like this is meant to be, it’s fate, it’s destiny. The fact, as I've said before, that I took a picture of myself the night before going to the concert where she saw me, and the fact that picture has survived all these years without being lost is… Proof of Destiny!

I love being in a space where I feel open to relating to her in a way which allows us to be physical and allows me to feel good about feeling her inside my heart like this while still feeling like I’m really being true to myself, you know what I mean?

Have you ever found yourself feeling so good that you can almost imagine the feeling radiating out from you, like a warm, soft, glittering, golden sphere surrounding you, one so rich and satisfying that it speaks to a deep, hidden part of you?

I love just sitting quietly and relaxing in a café thinking of her, holding a picture of her in my hands, it gives me a sense of calm, a sense of serenity, because, you know, when you feel this kind serenity, it’s as though you’re now feeling the stillness of a mountain lake inside you, as if the freshness and crispness of mountain air is filling your lungs like soft blue tingling energy, the kind that speaks to that place of wisdom inside you, that place of wonder, the one that allows you to feel such security and comfort as you realize how delicious your sweet sense of yearning is, as it builds and builds with ever greater comfort, because you know this is one of those special moments of emotional opening, of spreading a deep hidden part of your inner self wide... For me, this kind of realization leads irresistibly to joy, with me, that’s the way I think about this kind of wondrous transformative experience. I guess I've always felt this way about her.

Yeah, I've always loved being her boyfriend. That’s great, that’s cool. I wanted it to stay that way, to grow and expand, but I didn't know how then and later when we were apart, didn't know how to put myself back into her, her life, to get inside her heart. It’s nice to be completely satisfied and to feel that whatever you’re feeling now is as good as it can possibly get. I knew she was involved with other men, and husbands and couldn't find a space for me to fit in, she was occupied. 

I remember talking to my friend, a fashion model that now lives in Paris, about her back in LA. She was involved, like really, deeply, intensely involved with a guy for what, it must have been two years. She was totally satisfied, it was all she could imagine, she couldn’t imagine anything better. At least, that’s what I thought. That’s what she told everybody. One day she surprised everybody, though, by announcing that she’d found somebody new. When I asked her about it, she said, "Yeah, I thought I was totally satisfied, too. Then I met this guy I dated in high school, when my dad was stationed in Germany, my first love, and something about being with him, just being in his presence, just talking to him made me realize that I could have more. Like all the pleasure I’d had till then had only been preparation. I realized I could have something more, as if, within that relationship I’d been inside for so long, I'd grown content, and then numbed, as if I’d stopped growing, and didn’t realize it. But something about being with this guy, looking at this new/old guy... feeling my heart beat as I looked at him... now... this made me realize that opening to him could introduce you to new, deeper, more meaningful experiences."

Wow, I was just thinking of Wedding Rings, because I remember her man made their rings and I was thinking about the rings we made… those beautiful rings… Those "JL" rings. I wondered what it would be like if someone could see that ring and then sense the feelings behind it begin to rise up, grow, become a color, grow, intensify, and then make everything you see around you and everything you’re hearing begin to fill with all the beauty and wonder and connection and warmth that used to be trapped inside that piece of colorless crushed clay, metal and melted silver? Imagine feeling how much more powerful and genuine these feelings can now become, because they’re now part of something real and alive and human, shared and embodied by two people, in the here and now!

When you feel really connected to someone, it’s like there’s a glittering, iridescent chain connecting your hearts, and this is a sign you and this person are meant to be together. When someone really has an impact on you, it’s as if you can feel everything special and powerful about this person penetrating ever more deeply into your mind and body and soul, and you feel flooded with this tremendous desire to open yourself even more completely, so as to experience even more of these special feelings. My friend says that when a man really feels right for you, it’s as if everything that’s been numb or bored or disconnected inside you suddenly begins to melt like the wax of a candle, soft as clay and the more she feels this warmth and this liquid melting feeling inside you, the more deeply she knows this experience is going to enter you and give you a true feeling of being totally filled, as if she can now truly sense how much she’s been waiting for an experience just like this, and now she truly feels herself yearning for this even more powerfully, as if a voice inside you is saying, “You need this now. Surrender, and take this pleasure and grace and power inside you, because this is what you need right now. Jerry wants you!"

A lot of times, for perfectly good reasons, you can feel closed to experiencing something intense. On the other hand, what’s great is when you suddenly realize you’re in just the right place for this kind of thing. You know, you feel so comfortable, so open that it’s almost like there are big pillows all around you, big, plush comfortable pillows and everything is warm, fuzzy, relaxing, soft, and time has slowed down, it’s almost as if you’re in another century, an old plantation, Spanish moss on the trees and there’s time to really open and experience powerful things and everything is lit by soft candle-light and everything is made of wood and everything feels good when you touch it and there are beautiful paintings of flowers all around you and jars filled with fruit and grain and everything you see and hear in every direction just roots you to this spot, in a way that makes you feel more and more like this is something you need to experience even more deeply, because everything seems so soft, you see a gorgeous chair carven of oak, gorgeous wooden tables strong enough to hold you up on, soft soft blankets on a soft soft bed and everything proves to you, again and again, that you really are in a place where you can now open completely to experiencing something powerful and new with me.

It’s great when a feeling of happiness penetrates all the way inside you. My friend says she loves it, when she can feel excitement, a huge, intense, jolt of excitement, like a lightning bolt enter the deepest parts of you soul. I wonder if you know what it’s like, when a feeling is so powerful, that it seems to come right inside you, opening and then filling completely a void inside you that you didn’t realize was now open.

Sometimes, something feels so right that you know your heart, the deepest part of you just begins to warm and as it warms it just melts and then in a moment of grace spreads wide, opens completely to feel that which is most beautiful begin to slide all the way inside your heart. An emotion can be so powerful that it’s like something solid something permanent, something whose weight you can hold in your hand, taste in your mouth and then take inside yourself and you know this feeling is going to last... and last... and last... and the longer it lasts... the harder and more solid... and more enduring it becomes... and the deeper it goes inside you... the more it comes... to feel... a part of who you are. I want you to feel it! I feel this way.

My friend says that sometimes, someone’s energy can make you feel so wonderful that you want to drink in this person’s breath, you know? It’s like you want to swallow everything this person has to give and just keep tasting more and more of it inside you, emotionally, I mean. My friend says that the ocean can be so beautiful sometimes that you just want to, almost, you know, kneel down before it, go down on your knees, swirl a fingertip through that salty white foam, bring it to your lips, open your mouth, feel it slide inside your mouth, over your tongue... just close your eyes and drink in all you can of this immense salty liquid power, so that you feel even more connected to it and it’s feeding, filling you, nourishing you, centering you, this is a marvelous emotion, isn’t it?

Is it ever enough?