It's the kind of panic that makes you bolt up in bed!
This wave of panic set in, maybe from some dark disturbing dream, maybe from the
new medication I'm taking, maybe I was reliving the talk with the hospital about
the bill, the one how the amount of the bill outweighed the fear of the
diagnosis…
my face. The deep dull ache in the gut that feels like I need to shit, or that
someone has punched me in the nuts. The fear deep in my core that is rising up
from the tangled spine and to the surface of the rash covered and peeling skin.
It won't be denied. It won't be ignored. It won't be swept under the rug of
distraction. It is here! "Jerry, you are getting married, but you have no job, no career, no home, no
savings, no insurance, no talent, no hope… What is wrong with you? Why are you
putting people through this? People are depending on you! Are you a bum? Are you
waiting for a lottery winning? You think this is the way a Man conducts his
life? Are you a Man? How can you provide for your loved ones when you can't even
take care of yourself? You think someone is going to help you? You think some
job is just waiting for you? You think anyone is going to buy your books, watch
your movies, care about what's going on with you? Do you think the world
revolves around you? No one cares about you! No one is gonna take your hand and
walk you through it! God doesn't love you! Jesus hates you! You are the Saint of
Worthlessness! You mean nothing to no one! Any amount of remotely measurable
concern for you could only register as negligible. You are a pathetic loser, a
fake, a fraud, a hoax, a zero… Why am I wasting my time with you in this dream?
There are no heroes, angels, or saviors gonna come to your rescue!" http://jerryneedsmoney.blogspot.com/ Thanks,
Jerry
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