I wish it were! I need to go back and correct things in my past. Why can't my new drugs take me back and fix me? I thought these new dolls were gonna be a force-field against sad moods, but today has been a real dip in my happy scale.

Jessica loaned me her Sony Handycam to get some stuff off we shot for the ghost documentary, but she's got the camera loaded with video from her past still on there. While trying in vain to download it to my Mac I watched some footage from 2009 of her and her family with her ex-husband. I didn't realize he was in it and it wouldn't have bothered me, because I know she has a past, as we all do, but just as I was about to fast forward through it I heard her call him by a name she calls me. You know, a lil' term of endearment I thought was mine alone. However, now thinking about it, it is a rather common name. Also, she's was married for something like 20 years to that guy and I'm sure habits are hard to quit, plus when you've been married as many times as she has you must run out of nicknames to call the current man in your life.

I wish the video hadn't floored me so, it's just looking at the quality of the HD video made it seem like it was just shot yesterday. It seemed very current. When she called me this morning, I hadn't been able to sleep because for some stupid reason it bothered me, so I must have sounded troubled. She is quick to pick up on these things. When I told her why I was having such a bad mood, she said, "Baby, that was several years ago!"

"Several? It was 2009. That's 2 years ago."

"Yeah, 2! Several!"

"So by that count you've been married to SEVERAL men!"

"You just can't let that go, can you?"

She's right! I don't know why I'm having such difficulty? I love hanging out with her kids and yet they should be a constant reminder of the different fathers they have, but they aren't and I suppose that's because they have their own powerful personalities. I know I should have married her when we were together before. I feel that was my biggest mistake. I've always regretted it. I could have had my own kids with her, maybe they would have been these same girls? I know that's a silly thought. I would want that though, because these two girls of hers are perfect. 

I've suffered from some kind of arrested development. I'm forever stuck in that time period when I first fell in love with her. She's moved on and grown as a woman, while I'm stuck as a child. She looks to me to be exactly that young girl she was when I dated her, but maybe my brain is suffering from some body dysmorphic disorder where I won't let her age a day in my eyes. She'll ask me if whatever dress she's holding up to her breasts would look good and I can't say, because to me she makes anything look good. I wish I was more helpful and could give her an opinion unfiltered by my total obsession for her. I'm so lost because I'm so in love with her and the light that shines from her is blinding.