…it happens to me a lot. I shoot my mouth off when I should have bit my tongue and kept my pie-hole shut. Sometimes I just can't let it slide. Sometimes someone keeps heckling me and picking on me and mocking me, so it builds and builds inside me until the walls bulge and crack and warp, then I burst and unleash a comeback that devastates and destroys the bully.

Then silence from all around. Jaws hang unhinged and mouths fall ajar. Eyes dart back and forth between me and the quivering mass of lifeless tissue as the tears begin streaming.

Suddenly a crowd gathers around hugging and caressing the brute as they murmur in my direction, "How could you?"

"What were you thinking?"

"How could you talk to a woman like that?"

"She's just a child!"

Why do some women think it's okay to humiliate and torment a man, but feel it offensive if he responds to it? Why do people come to her rescue when they themselves have been victimized by this bully? When will the meek inherit the Earth?

I have a lot of shit going on in my life and I ain't got time to deal with cruel people! I have recently been dealing with the worst allergic reaction to some kind of atmospheric particle or alien pathogen. My breathing has severely been compromised as well as my vision and thinking.

Then, possibly due to the heat and the change in weather, I have developed a rash on my bottom. It's like diaper rash. Bumps, blisters, redness, dry skin, itchiness. Thanks to a friend, I began using A&D Ointment to no avail. However, it has made my skin soft and supple all around the rash. I have begun to apply it to my face and have noticed a vast improvement to my looks. If you like a greasy look with a strong slightly unpleasant aroma, I recommend this highly.

Unable to tell any change in my butt rash, I did what anyone needing medical treatment would do, without having any health insurance, that is. I consulted WebMD and various online medical forums.

Put a mirror on the floor, removed all my undergarments and then squatted over it to get a better view of the situation. I either stepped on the mirror or the image in the reflection was just too much for any mirror to take, because it shattered. Shattered into so many pieces it looked like glitter on the floor.

Yet, with the brief and disgusting image lodged forever in my mind like a bullet, I was fully equipped to review the symptoms provided by those who also found themselves suffering from similar afflictions and seek a cure buried deep in the posted conjecture supplied by the online quacks.

It seems I might have some kind of yeast rash! I appear to be producing yeast. Yeast? Outta my ASS? Am I making beer? Am I baking bread? It's certainly hot enough to do that in the oven down there. Is that where, "pinching a loaf" comes from?

Another friend of mine is the host of a country music morning radio show and he heard a caller say the cure for many allergies and ailments was to drink pickle juice! The caller even did a comparison study using calamine lotion on one affected area of poison ivy and pickle juice on another and the pickle juice won!

He suggested I try the pickle juice on my ass. I began to wonder how I would do it. Maybe I could drain pickle juice from enough jars to fill a small tub, strip down and lower my bare bottom down into it and sit for a while. I imagine my own pickle would then smell like a pickle after extended use of the pickle bath. I would like to know a girl that loves pickles. I wonder if she likes sweet baby girckens, or kosher? Maybe if she liked it a lot, the stork from Vlasic would show up with a lil' baby.

Isn't pickle juice mainly vinegar? Isn't that a main ingredient in a douche? Am I a douche? Really?

Completely humiliated I journey to WalMart to do as directed by the online snake-oil salesmen and buy Monistat 7 in the feminine pussy department where douches and tampons sit on shelves and look out at me in blank stares, confused looks and bland packaging.

I read the directions. It says, "…yeast infections could be a sign that you are pregnant or have been exposed to the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) that causes AIDS."

Sure hope I'm pregnant!

As if I didn't already feel like a pussy, the directions continue, "…squeeze a small amount of cream around the area of your vagina…"

So completely freaked out about the AIDS mention, I unzip my pants, drop my panties and apply a handful of cream to my vagina, er, I mean, anus. It feels good and soothing and it really is like a cool dip in a lagoon on a tropically warm day. My ass feels so great, I wish you could feel it! I really, really do! Just when I'm about to take the Nestea Iced Tea Plunge backwards into a pool in the desert… My bliss is rudely interrupted by a female voice in a thick Southern accent from behind me.

"Sir? Please don't do that in the aisle. Take it home and do that in the privacy of your own home. I never thought I'd say this, but it's too weird a sight, even for WalMart."