Okay, I know... Why another picture of me posing in my panties? Especially after some of my buddies made fun of me yesterday for my B'Day Party picture, but I had several nice messages from the ladies and gay guys who enjoyed it and one gal who is an Art Teacher at a college in Maine who asked if I would pose for her class. I asked and yes, it was to pose nude, but it's in Maine. Still it made me feel good!

Well, another year older, a new month is almost here, a chance to start fresh, live the life I've always dreamed of and live the life worth living... What can I do with the rest of my life? Ideas...

Hmm...

I'm thinking!

I had a long talk tonight with one of my dearest and sweetest friends and I told her that I believe the regrets I have in my life, and there are many, wasted years, but I feel fear is the cause of all of mine. I should have taken this path, but went the other way because I was scared. I should have married this girl, but didn't ask because I feared rejection. I did things others wanted because I was afraid to say, "No." There are many things I'm afraid to do, but maybe I MUST do them, to have the life well lived.

There's someone I've loved most of my life and wanted to be with her the rest of my life, but she meant so much to me I was afraid of any kind of rejection from her even though there was no call for it. I looked up to her, she was funny, smart, beautiful and her opinion meant everything to me. If I had asked her to marry me and she said, "No" I would have been devastated. My fear caused me not to be honest with her about my feelings for her and as a result, I lost her.

Lost her in the stars of my imagination. She was somewhere out in space. I moved on to explore strange new life and civilizations. One dead planet after another. Cities in ruin and on the edge of forever.

But there she was in my thoughts like a hologram hovering over me in the dark every night. I tried to find her! I had grown. I was a man now! I could tell her how I felt. I wasn't a Vulcan. I had feelings. I had to find her, but all my sensors failed and I was dealing with technology not far beyond the stone age. I even tried to employee detectives to search databases of the various know planets, but these creatures still used currency in their societies and attaining the needed funds drained my power. It seemed hopeless, but technologies were becoming available to the sector I found myself in and when I activated  communications I had initiated a "Distress Call" beacon, a profile to attract contact.

And after what seemed like thousands of Earth Years, I did in fact receive a message. It was good to hear from her. My heart soared. I lowered my shields and signaled my conditions. Yet, it seemed she was happy where she was, she had found a mate and had offspring and was exploring her own worlds.

I tried to pretend I was happy for her, but all I wanted to do was set my phaser on overload, dematerialize and die in a discharge of nadion particles.

I was crippled, my ship was crippled, there was a lack of oxygen, I was tired and wanted to fall into a state of suspended animation. And I did that in a way. I walked the planet half in and half out of this dimension, all my duties were ignored, I was in a state of dispare. Even Orion slave girls could offer me no comfort. I was adrift in a cold heartless Universe and my dilithium crystals were failing from lack of use, all my shields were down, life support systems were lost and I was just waiting to die.

Then, another message came in.